SITE UPDATE

Hey y’all!  We love you.  Seriously.  But if you are looking here, you’re on the old site.

The new site is exactly the same.  All the old posts are there.  But so are all the new posts.

What’s the difference?  It’s a technical thing.  We don’t expect you or John McCain to understand it.  But if you are still going here, make sure to change your bookmarks or that grey bookmark in your brain to go to the official URL: www.slander08.com.

www.slander08.com!!!

The Official* Vice Presidential Debate Drinking Game Official Recap

"Yes, you can call me Joe. Can I call you cuntbag?"

After watching the V.P. debate last night, it took many hours and a good night’s sleep for me to recover.  Not because of the booze, but because 1) my brain had to strain so hard to figure out what relation the jumble of words coming out of Sarah Palin’s mouth had to do with the questions posed to her, and 2) my jaw muscles hurt from grinding my teeth waiting for Biden to actually debate instead of smiling politely every time Palin took another uneducated jab at him.  Frankly, they both looked like idiots.  And somehow Gwen Ifill managed to beat Jim Lehrer in the “creating awkwardness” column, which I thought was impossible.

Anyway, over 10,000 of you took a look at the drinking game since it was posted, so I thought I would give it a recap.

A preface: This is a comedy site, not a drinking game site, so the rules were more intended to make you laugh than to get you drunk.  That said, there was a solid mix of the candidates nailing certain words I thought they wouldn’t, and passing up some of the easy ones.  (Seriously, no one said Russia?!)

Without further ado, your The Official* Vice Presidential Debate Drinking Game Official Recap:

For Palin:

• Unfortunately, Palin didn’t mention any of her kids by name.  Literally shocking.  She did however mention her “son”, her “special needs child”, her “kids” and her “kids to college”.  Depending on how you interpreted the rules, that could be as many as 35 drinks — scoring one point for each child it was implied she was talking about — or as few as 3 drinks — scoring one point each for the first three mentions and zero points for the last mention since none of her remaining children are intelligent enough to end up in college.
• Somehow Palin got through the entire debate without mentioning 9/11.  For this, and only this, I applaud her.
• Early on, Palin blurted out “hockey mom” with reckless abandon.  The official rule was to “drink until she takes the self-satisfied smirk off her face.”  Technically, from this point, you could have steadily drank for the rest of the debate.

For Biden:

• If you were looking for an excuse to get hammered, Biden’s chuckling was definitely your in.  He chuckled at Ifill right off the bat, and pretty much only stopped chuckling at both Ifill and Palin when he need an opportunity to let out a deep-seated sigh.
• Biden certainly name dropped himself as much as expected, a couple times in his famous guy-from-middle-America-talking-to-me manner.  He said his entire name 4 times, and part of his name 3 times.  He also mentioned his website — joebiden.com — which includes his entire name.  13 drinks total in my book.
• Unfortunately, the size of Delaware in relation to Alaska was never mentioned.

For both:

• Russia and the former Soviet Union stayed out of the entire debate.  Putin is angry and is plotting his revenge.
• Hillary and Monica’s names weren’t tossed in (as one would hope) but the Clinton administration was name checked by Biden, so count that as 2 drinks.
• Dick Cheney got a solid 5 mentions, all by Joe Biden, for 5 angry drinks.  And though the other “Dicks” listed weren’t said, I took a drink for Dick Lugar all the same — another 3 drinks.

And finally:

• Alas, Biden never did his interpretation of the infamous Lloyd Bentsen line.  However, I did come pretty close to chugging my beer, turning off my TV, and shooting myself in the head when Palin said, “Say it ain’t so, Joe.”  Hopefully no one blames me.

Overall, seems like the second straight time boredom has been a 2008 debate winner.  I’m already thinking of a new drinking game: it’s called “How many hours can I sit in a dank bar drinking cheap canned beer while the polling stations are open instead of voting in this bullshit election.”

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“Dude, I think Sarah Palin is into me!”

"Hey there, sexy..."

“Dude.  I just watched the vice presidential debate, and, you know what, I think Sarah Palin is totally into me.  Yeah, I didn’t understand a single word she said, but I’m tellin’ you man, she kept winking at me the entire time.  Seriously, I don’t care what she said, she likes me, man.  I think, uh, I think next time I see her I’m going to ask her out…”

“Dude, do you think if she becomes Vice President she’ll be out of my league?  ‘Cause I didn’t really get that vibe from her.”

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A Deference to YouTube: Sarah ‘Miss Teen USA’ Palin

Up until this post, Slander ’08 has featured 100% original content.  But recently I had the idea of mashing up a Sarah Palin quote with the much circulated Miss Teen South Carolina video clip.

I figured I’d do a quick search on YouTube, and sure enough, like anything in this digital age, many people were a few steps ahead of me.  From what I’ve seen, the one below is by far the best of the bunch.

Mad props to spacerocketrobot for this vid.  I couldn’t have done it better myself.  (Literally.  Why do you think this is a text blog?  I can’t handle video.  The last editing I did was on a flatbed.)

Jumbled Publishers Clearing House form confirms Palin subscribes to all magazines

Unfortunately this guy won or maybe Palin wouldn't have had to get a government job.

A form riddled with subscription stickers submitted to Publishers Clearing House in 1994 confirms that, indeed, Sarah Palin is a subscriber to all magazines.

The document, obtained exclusively by Slander ’08, showed that a woman who might already have won a million dollars, identified on the front as Sarah Louis H Palin [sic], displayed childlike enthusiasm in aggressively applying magazine subscription stamps all over the form, including well outside the provided row of dotted rectangles.

“Whoever filled out this form certainly loves to read magazines and definitely wanted to read them all,” said a representative from Publishers Clearing House.  “This person obviously wanted to have a vast variety of sources from which to get his or her news, and they probably have a great appreciation for the press, for the media.”

“Seeing this form, it’s really a microcosm of Publisher Clearing House forms in general,” the PCH rep continued.  “Can I stop spewing buzzwords now?”

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Biden promises to smoke less pot if elected

Biden and Bono emerge after a long "meeting."

Delaware Senator and Democratic vice presidential nominee Joe Biden has promised to cut back on his marijuana intake if elected to be Vice President of the United States of America.

“A lot of candidates can make a lot of pledges,” Sen. Biden began, “but who can pledge to cut back their pot smoking more than I can?  If I even smoke half as much pot as I usually do, I would easily have stopped smoking more marijuana than all the other candidates in this race combined!”  An awkward pause ensued as Biden spent a moment too long staring off into space.

“Wait.  Did I get that math right?” Biden questioned.  “Are you guys following me?  I hate when people say, ‘Joe, you’re not making any sense,’ and I have to think, man, what am I talking about.  But you get it, right?”

More as this develops or when Biden figures out what he actually means to say.

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Palin “WikiTeam” will be on high alert during V.P. debate

Inside the top secret Palin WikiTeam headquarters.

Slander ’08 obtained an exclusive interview from a source who refused to be identified discussing his work inside the Republican Party’s top secret “Palin WikiTeam.”

“I was brought on immediately after the Sarah Palin announcement,” the anonymous insider informed us.  “The party quickly realized that Gov. Palin’s Wikipedia page was under attack from a mix of mild vandalism and blisteringly harmful truths.  Above and beyond Wikipedia’s user generated auditing of editorial content, we were hired to keep an eye on her entry 24 hours a day.”

“However, as Sarah’s ignorance was rapidly exposed, it became difficult to keep up,” the tipster continued.  “The team was expanded.  Eventually we discovered it would be more time efficient to change other articles to Palin’s benefit.  With the debate looming, the entire WikiTeam will be on red alert, crouched over our computers, immediately altering all Wikipedia articles so that people who fact check any Palin statement on Wikipedia will think she has some idea what she is talking about.”

The informant seemed visually disturbed, lashing out at us.  “It’s madness I tell you!  We just can’t keep up!  I haven’t slept in weeks!!”

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Biden Gaffe of the Day: “i <3 Ahmadinejad”

"He's right here, Joe. Let me give him the phone."

In what can only be considered one of his greatest gaffes to date, Slander ’08 has received report of a recent text message sent by Democratic vice presidential nominee Joe Biden.

In the intercepted text message, Biden reportedly wrote: “i ❤ Ahmadinejad.  do u think hed want 2 talk 2 us?”

A number of special intelligence groups who deal with cracking international code have determined that a less than sign followed by the number “3” is not a numerical reference, but is actually an encoded message referencing a heart and implying a level of affection for the Iranian leader.

Republicans noted that the message is obviously another indication that the Obama/Biden White House would be willing to have talks with rogue states without preconditions.

“Texting someone is the first step towards having a verbal conversation,” pointed out Heidi Philips, a campus rep for the McCain/Palin campaign at Cal State-Fullerton.  “I know when I’m nervous to talk to a guy, I’ll just text him first.  It’s less pressure.  If all goes well, I’ll sleep with him.”  Ms. Philips then took a moment to reflect before she determined, “This could lead to us fucking Iran.”

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The Official* Vice Presidential Debate Drinking Game!

Prepare yourself for this Thursday’s vice presidential debate by printing out the rules below for this year’s Vice Presidential Debate Drinking Game!  Without further delay, we bring you the rules.

For Sarah Palin:

1. Every time Palin mentions one of her kids by name, take the number of drinks corresponding to that child’s number in her brood (e.g. 1 drink for Track, 2 drinks for Bristol, 3 drinks for Willow, 4 drinks for Piper and 5 drinks for Trig).  If she does not give a name, take 1 drink.
2. When Palin mentions 9/11 in a textually-relevant manner (e.g. “We need to prevent another attack like the one on 9/11”), take 1 drink.  When Palin mentions 9/11 in a gratuitous, textually-irrelevant manner (e.g. “When my son Track was sent over to Iraq on 9/11…”), take 2 drinks.
3. If Palin uses the phrase, “hockey mom”, drink until she takes the self-satisfied smirk off her face.

For Joe Biden:

1. Every time Biden chuckles condescendingly at Sarah Palin, take 1 drink.  Every time Biden chuckles condescendingly at moderator Gwen Ifill, take 2 drinks.
2. Every time Biden refers to himself in the third person, take 1 drink.  If he uses his full name (e.g. “When people ask me, ‘Joe Biden, how did you become so good looking?'”), take 2 drinks.
3. If Biden points out that despite being less than 1/100th the size, Delaware has more people than Alaska, drink until you see the bottom of your glass.

If either candidate says:

1. Russia, take 1 drink.  U.S.S.R., take 2 drinks.  Swimming the Bering Straight, take 3 drinks.
2. Hillary Clinton, take 1 drink.  Bill Clinton, take 2 drinks.  Monica Lewinsky, take 3 drinks.
3. Dick Cheney, take 1 drink.  Tricky Dick, take 2 drinks.  Sucking dick, take 3 drinks.

Finally, if at any point Biden uses the phrase “I know Geraldine Ferraro; Geraldine Ferraro is a friend of mine.  Governor, you’re no Geraldine Ferraro,” chug your beer, turn off your TV, and shoot yourself in the head.

Note: Slander ’08 only condones drinking irresponsibly during election years when you need it most.

* UPDATE: It has come to our attention that there has been more than one VP drinking game spreading about on the internet.  We’d like to let you know that ours is the “Official” Vice Presidential Drinking Game as it is the only one approved by perennial congressional alcoholic Ted Kennedy and his brain tumor.

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McCain campaign alleges “comedic bias” towards Palin

"There is nothing funny about this Vogue cover, my friends."

At a speech in Michigan today, Sen. John McCain made a number of remarks accusing the media of rampant comedic bias in it’s coverage of his vice presidential candidate, Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin.

“Governor Palin is perfectly qualified to be vice-president,” the Senator began.  “She’s over thirty-five, a natural born American citizen and has lived in the country for the past 14 years.  My friends, I have read the Constitution, and technically, that’s all she needs.”

“But liberal comedic institutions like the Daily Show and Saturday Night Live are unwilling to focus on important things such as her age or where she was born,” McCain continued.  “Instead they foucs on Governor Palin’s many comical attributes, like that she is a gun-totting idiot destined to be the second Vice President in a row to shoot someone in the face or that we hide her in a sleep chamber between appearances to help her avoid basic media questioning which she is unable to handle.”

Sen. McCain immediately followed this comment by saying, “What’s so funny?!  Stop laughing, people!”

Rick Davis, campaign manager for McCain/Palin, hammered the point home with reporters, “We just don’t understand why everyone seems to be honing in on Palin.  What makes her funnier than the other candidates?  There are a lot of funny things about Obama and Biden too.  Obama is black.  Do you know how many black jokes I’ve heard and told in my lifetime?  Millions!  I could tell you some great black jokes right now.”

Moments later, supposedly, a black guy walked into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder.

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