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Archive for the ‘McCain’ Category

"There is nothing funny about this Vogue cover, my friends."

"There is nothing funny about this Vogue cover, my friends."

At a speech in Michigan today, Sen. John McCain made a number of remarks accusing the media of rampant comedic bias in it’s coverage of his vice presidential candidate, Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin.

“Governor Palin is perfectly qualified to be vice-president,” the Senator began.  “She’s over thirty-five, a natural born American citizen and has lived in the country for the past 14 years.  My friends, I have read the Constitution, and technically, that’s all she needs.”

“But liberal comedic institutions like the Daily Show and Saturday Night Live are unwilling to focus on important things such as her age or where she was born,” McCain continued.  “Instead they foucs on Governor Palin’s many comical attributes, like that she is a gun-totting idiot destined to be the second Vice President in a row to shoot someone in the face or that we hide her in a sleep chamber between appearances to help her avoid basic media questioning which she is unable to handle.”

Sen. McCain immediately followed this comment by saying, “What’s so funny?!  Stop laughing, people!”

Rick Davis, campaign manager for McCain/Palin, hammered the point home with reporters, “We just don’t understand why everyone seems to be honing in on Palin.  What makes her funnier than the other candidates?  There are a lot of funny things about Obama and Biden too.  Obama is black.  Do you know how many black jokes I’ve heard and told in my lifetime?  Millions!  I could tell you some great black jokes right now.”

Moments later, supposedly, a black guy walked into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder.

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An undecided voter.

As the weekend comes to a close, a number of undecided voters have had a chance to reflect on Friday’s first presidential debate.

“I don’t think either candidate took a clear lead,” remarked Sally Bedfield, an undecided voter from Columbus in the battleground state of Ohio.  “I breed and sell dogs and am very concerned about dogs.  Neither candidate mentioned dogs at all, which I found disheartening and, quite frankly, a poor political decision on their part.”

Reminded that the debate focused on foreign affairs, Ms. Bedfield laughed, “Obviously you don’t realize how many breeds of dogs are of foreign origin.  Ha.”

Mark Stubb, a retired pot dealer from Miami, Floridia — a city in another battleground state — had similar feelings.  “Why do we have to buy toilet paper?  I think a candidate should pledge to give everyone free toilet paper.  People could get behind that, because it’s something everyone needs.”

Another undecided voter, Bill Safe of Blacksburg, Virginia — a state that has unexpectedly moved into the toss up column — discussed weighing his options.  “A lot of people don’t realize how serious this decision is.  You can’t take it lightly.  You really need to spend time thinking about who is the best candidate.  It’s very important.  How could anyone have possibly decided already?  There’s no way I could have seen this choice coming.  No way.”

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10:37pm: And the winner is… BOREDOM!

10:31pm: Seriously, if McCain was coach of the Cleveland Browns, he wouldn’t switch to Brady Quinn even if they started the season 0 – 11.

10:30pm: Can we impeach Obama after we find out he is a secret Al Qaeda operative, or is it, like, once we vote him in we’re stuck with him?

10:25pm: McCain’s gotta sidle Sarah Palin up next to him to add some excitement to this debate.  Or bring her out with a shotgun.

10:20pm: Last time I was in Georgia I saw a giant poster that said “Beat LSU”.

10:16pm: Dude!  I just realized…  Obama is black!

Keep reading the blow by blow account after the jump… (more…)

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McCain looking very in touch.

McCain looking very in touch.

Republican presidential nominee John McCain believes he has found the source of America’s economic troubles.

Speaking to a crowd of hundreds outside a Kroger in Cleves, Ohio, Sen. McCain took issue with what he had just seen inside the grocery store. “I know hardworking Americans all across this great nation have been reeling from economic hardship, and now I can see why,” he said shaking his head in disbelief.  “I just saw someone pay $1.89 for a bottle of Coke.  In my day, I could get a Coke for a nickel!”

“And no wonder there’s a credit crisis,” McCain continued.  “Everyone in there was paying with plastic!  When you put things on credit cards, you’re going to be paying a lot of interest.  Plus you have to mail in your payment: That’ll cost you another 4 cents.  If you don’t have cash on hand, the least you could do is write a check.  Then the money will come right out of your bank account.  I carry my checkbook with me wherever I go.  It just makes sense, people.”

Despite his somewhat pedantic speech, the Senator showed he could relate to the people.  “I know it’s tough,” he admitted.  “When I got my first Master Charge Interbank card, I was hooked, but sometimes, you just gotta slow down.  Grab a couple bucks, and take the family to a picture show.”

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CORRECTION

It has come to our attention that Republican presidential nominee John McCain is NOT the kingpin of an illegal methamphetamine ring.  There was no 4 pm EST press conference and our story run under the headline “BREAKING NEWS: McCain admits to running meth ring!” was nothing more than speculative garbage and unverifiable and vicious slander.  Go figure.

Turns out our anonymous tipster was just your average douche bag with an email account and too much time on his hands.  Thanks a lot, guys!

Slander ’08, however, refuses to retract any story.

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Shocking revelations forthcoming from McCain

BREAKING NEWS: In a shocking revelation bound to shake the very foundation of the U.S. presidential campaign, Slander ’08 has received a tip that Republican presidential candidate John McCain has scheduled a press conference for 4 pm EST to announce that he admits to being kingpin of the largest methamphetamine manufacturing and distribution ring in Arizona, with factions extending as far north as Utah, down across the Mexican border, from the Mississippi to the Pacific Ocean.

STORY DEVELOPING…

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One McCain Buck is equal to "Whatever you want. Don't worry, people."

With the entire American economy on the verge of collapse and his opponent blaming the failed policies of his party, Republican presidential nominee John McCain announced a unique solution to the county’s financial woes at a press conference early this morning.

“The fundamentals of the American economy are sound,” Sen. McCain said.  “Our financial markets may be collapsing, but the economy is not about finance.  The economy is about money.  Wall Street elitists from New York City might live or die by Lemon Brothers or Merrill Lynched, but on Main Street — in small towns just like this one — people pay with cash.  That’s why, starting today, I am going to give you the most valuable money I can… McCain Bucks.”

“McCain Bucks aren’t backed by some fancy investment company or even any pork-barrel federal institution that we didn’t need in the first place,” the Senator continued while reporters watched on with jaws agape and slack-jawed locals clapped fervently.  “They are backed by me… John McCain.”

As Sen. McCain began passing out McCain bucks to supporters, he reminded the crowd that “if anyone ever asks you what one of these babies is worth, you just tell ’em John McCain sent you.”

“I’m a war hero.  Put that on your money and print it!”

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