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Archive for September, 2008

Prepare yourself for this Thursday’s vice presidential debate by printing out the rules below for this year’s Vice Presidential Debate Drinking Game!  Without further delay, we bring you the rules.

For Sarah Palin:

  1. Every time Palin mentions one of her kids by name, take the number of drinks corresponding to that child’s number in her brood (e.g. 1 drink for Track, 2 drinks for Bristol, 3 drinks for Willow, 4 drinks for Piper and 5 drinks for Trig).  If she does not give a name, take 1 drink.
  2. When Palin mentions 9/11 in a textually-relevant manner (e.g. “We need to prevent another attack like the one on 9/11”), take 1 drink.  When Palin mentions 9/11 in a gratuitous, textually-irrelevant manner (e.g. “When my son Track was sent over to Iraq on 9/11…”), take 2 drinks.
  3. If Palin uses the phrase, “hockey mom”, drink until she takes the self-satisfied smirk off her face.

For Joe Biden:

  1. Every time Biden chuckles condescendingly at Sarah Palin, take 1 drink.  Every time Biden chuckles condescendingly at moderator Gwen Ifill, take 2 drinks.
  2. Every time Biden refers to himself in the third person, take 1 drink.  If he uses his full name (e.g. “When people ask me, ‘Joe Biden, how did you become so good looking?'”), take 2 drinks.
  3. If Biden points out that despite being less than 1/100th the size, Delaware has more people than Alaska, drink until you see the bottom of your glass.

If either candidate says:

  1. Russia, take 1 drink.  U.S.S.R., take 2 drinks.  Swimming the Bering Straight, take 3 drinks.
  2. Hillary Clinton, take 1 drink.  Bill Clinton, take 2 drinks.  Monica Lewinsky, take 3 drinks.
  3. Dick Cheney, take 1 drink.  Tricky Dick, take 2 drinks.  Sucking dick, take 3 drinks.

Finally, if at any point Biden uses the phrase “I know Geraldine Ferraro; Geraldine Ferraro is a friend of mine.  Governor, you’re no Geraldine Ferraro,” chug your beer, turn off your TV, and shoot yourself in the head.

Note: Slander ’08 only condones drinking irresponsibly during election years when you need it most.

* UPDATE: It has come to our attention that there has been more than one VP drinking game spreading about on the internet.  We’d like to let you know that ours is the “Official” Vice Presidential Drinking Game as it is the only one approved by perennial congressional alcoholic Ted Kennedy and his brain tumor.

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"There is nothing funny about this Vogue cover, my friends."

"There is nothing funny about this Vogue cover, my friends."

At a speech in Michigan today, Sen. John McCain made a number of remarks accusing the media of rampant comedic bias in it’s coverage of his vice presidential candidate, Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin.

“Governor Palin is perfectly qualified to be vice-president,” the Senator began.  “She’s over thirty-five, a natural born American citizen and has lived in the country for the past 14 years.  My friends, I have read the Constitution, and technically, that’s all she needs.”

“But liberal comedic institutions like the Daily Show and Saturday Night Live are unwilling to focus on important things such as her age or where she was born,” McCain continued.  “Instead they foucs on Governor Palin’s many comical attributes, like that she is a gun-totting idiot destined to be the second Vice President in a row to shoot someone in the face or that we hide her in a sleep chamber between appearances to help her avoid basic media questioning which she is unable to handle.”

Sen. McCain immediately followed this comment by saying, “What’s so funny?!  Stop laughing, people!”

Rick Davis, campaign manager for McCain/Palin, hammered the point home with reporters, “We just don’t understand why everyone seems to be honing in on Palin.  What makes her funnier than the other candidates?  There are a lot of funny things about Obama and Biden too.  Obama is black.  Do you know how many black jokes I’ve heard and told in my lifetime?  Millions!  I could tell you some great black jokes right now.”

Moments later, supposedly, a black guy walked into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder.

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An undecided voter.

As the weekend comes to a close, a number of undecided voters have had a chance to reflect on Friday’s first presidential debate.

“I don’t think either candidate took a clear lead,” remarked Sally Bedfield, an undecided voter from Columbus in the battleground state of Ohio.  “I breed and sell dogs and am very concerned about dogs.  Neither candidate mentioned dogs at all, which I found disheartening and, quite frankly, a poor political decision on their part.”

Reminded that the debate focused on foreign affairs, Ms. Bedfield laughed, “Obviously you don’t realize how many breeds of dogs are of foreign origin.  Ha.”

Mark Stubb, a retired pot dealer from Miami, Floridia — a city in another battleground state — had similar feelings.  “Why do we have to buy toilet paper?  I think a candidate should pledge to give everyone free toilet paper.  People could get behind that, because it’s something everyone needs.”

Another undecided voter, Bill Safe of Blacksburg, Virginia — a state that has unexpectedly moved into the toss up column — discussed weighing his options.  “A lot of people don’t realize how serious this decision is.  You can’t take it lightly.  You really need to spend time thinking about who is the best candidate.  It’s very important.  How could anyone have possibly decided already?  There’s no way I could have seen this choice coming.  No way.”

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A future Obama voter?

In an unexpected twist to the campaign, Democratic presidential nominee Barack Obama actually appears to be winning over white supremacists and other racists.

Sen. Obama addressed Florida residents the other day just outside the Paradise Junction Mobile Home Park and Bait Store.  Despite many audience members donning pointed hoods and waving Nazi flags, the Illinois Senator managed to excite the tough crowd with some unexpected tactics.

“I know that your numbers have been dwindling over the past few decades,” the Presidential hopeful said. “But if you elect me as your next president, I will change that.”  The crowd became mesmerized as Obama continued.  “Imagine all the hatred among your white race that I can create if only you elect me, a black man, to the Oval Office.”

After the speech, the Grand Dragon admitted to being oddly persuaded by Obama’s logic.  “The darkie has a point,” he conceded.  “The white race is loosing interest in our cause.  I see the hatred Americans direct at George W. Bush.  If we can turn that hatred towards a negro, us white supremacists might strengthen and rise once again.”

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10:37pm: And the winner is… BOREDOM!

10:31pm: Seriously, if McCain was coach of the Cleveland Browns, he wouldn’t switch to Brady Quinn even if they started the season 0 – 11.

10:30pm: Can we impeach Obama after we find out he is a secret Al Qaeda operative, or is it, like, once we vote him in we’re stuck with him?

10:25pm: McCain’s gotta sidle Sarah Palin up next to him to add some excitement to this debate.  Or bring her out with a shotgun.

10:20pm: Last time I was in Georgia I saw a giant poster that said “Beat LSU”.

10:16pm: Dude!  I just realized…  Obama is black!

Keep reading the blow by blow account after the jump… (more…)

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That's right: My shit don't stink.

BREAKING NEWS: Philip Westford, reporter for the Wall Street Journal who recent joined a group of embedded reporters following Democratic presidential nominee Barack Obama on the campaign trail, has provided us with a stunning revelation.

“I usually wouldn’t stalk the stall when the possible future leader of the free world is in there, but it takes a lot of coffee to keep me going on these long trips,” Westford reported on his blog.  “I knocked several times and almost bowled Obama over on my way in.  I had to go.”

Westford reported that Obama was obviously unhappy on his way out.  “Barack doesn’t like to be disturbed during his toilet time, and I could tell I rushed him, but there’s only one bathroom on that freakin’ plane.”

It’s what Westford found inside, however, that was most remarkable.

“He’d forgotten to flush, and there, right in front of me, was a giant log of hope.  I bent over to inspect it, and it’s what I didn’t find that amazed me.  No scent whatsoever.  His feces actually had the essence of a freshly scrubbed stove top.”

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How many people suffering from mental retardation do you see in this picture?

U.S. citizens with mental handicaps might not be able to do some activities that the rest of us take for granted.  Voting isn’t one of them.

“As I’ve continued to exploit my innocent newborn child and his genetic disorder in a vain attempt to sway the political conversation away from important issues such as the economy, Trig has been a blessing,” G.O.P. vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin stated in one of her recent, growingly ignorant stump speeches.  “And for those of you who relate to my son and his illness, and for those of you dumb enough to be swayed by this emotional pandering, I appreciate the support of you retards.”

But Gov. Palin has gotten results.  A recent USA Today / AMA poll shows that nearly 76% of all voters suffering from mental retardation are planning on voting for Republican candidate John McCain for president.  The poll, however, has a margin of error of +/- 95% as there has been little proven overlap between those mentally handicap citizens who answer polling phone calls and those who actually end up figuring out how to vote on Election Day.

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