Archive for the ‘Obama’ Category

An undecided voter.

As the weekend comes to a close, a number of undecided voters have had a chance to reflect on Friday’s first presidential debate.

“I don’t think either candidate took a clear lead,” remarked Sally Bedfield, an undecided voter from Columbus in the battleground state of Ohio.  “I breed and sell dogs and am very concerned about dogs.  Neither candidate mentioned dogs at all, which I found disheartening and, quite frankly, a poor political decision on their part.”

Reminded that the debate focused on foreign affairs, Ms. Bedfield laughed, “Obviously you don’t realize how many breeds of dogs are of foreign origin.  Ha.”

Mark Stubb, a retired pot dealer from Miami, Floridia — a city in another battleground state — had similar feelings.  “Why do we have to buy toilet paper?  I think a candidate should pledge to give everyone free toilet paper.  People could get behind that, because it’s something everyone needs.”

Another undecided voter, Bill Safe of Blacksburg, Virginia — a state that has unexpectedly moved into the toss up column — discussed weighing his options.  “A lot of people don’t realize how serious this decision is.  You can’t take it lightly.  You really need to spend time thinking about who is the best candidate.  It’s very important.  How could anyone have possibly decided already?  There’s no way I could have seen this choice coming.  No way.”

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A future Obama voter?

In an unexpected twist to the campaign, Democratic presidential nominee Barack Obama actually appears to be winning over white supremacists and other racists.

Sen. Obama addressed Florida residents the other day just outside the Paradise Junction Mobile Home Park and Bait Store.  Despite many audience members donning pointed hoods and waving Nazi flags, the Illinois Senator managed to excite the tough crowd with some unexpected tactics.

“I know that your numbers have been dwindling over the past few decades,” the Presidential hopeful said. “But if you elect me as your next president, I will change that.”  The crowd became mesmerized as Obama continued.  “Imagine all the hatred among your white race that I can create if only you elect me, a black man, to the Oval Office.”

After the speech, the Grand Dragon admitted to being oddly persuaded by Obama’s logic.  “The darkie has a point,” he conceded.  “The white race is loosing interest in our cause.  I see the hatred Americans direct at George W. Bush.  If we can turn that hatred towards a negro, us white supremacists might strengthen and rise once again.”

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10:37pm: And the winner is… BOREDOM!

10:31pm: Seriously, if McCain was coach of the Cleveland Browns, he wouldn’t switch to Brady Quinn even if they started the season 0 – 11.

10:30pm: Can we impeach Obama after we find out he is a secret Al Qaeda operative, or is it, like, once we vote him in we’re stuck with him?

10:25pm: McCain’s gotta sidle Sarah Palin up next to him to add some excitement to this debate.  Or bring her out with a shotgun.

10:20pm: Last time I was in Georgia I saw a giant poster that said “Beat LSU”.

10:16pm: Dude!  I just realized…  Obama is black!

Keep reading the blow by blow account after the jump… (more…)

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That's right: My shit don't stink.

BREAKING NEWS: Philip Westford, reporter for the Wall Street Journal who recent joined a group of embedded reporters following Democratic presidential nominee Barack Obama on the campaign trail, has provided us with a stunning revelation.

“I usually wouldn’t stalk the stall when the possible future leader of the free world is in there, but it takes a lot of coffee to keep me going on these long trips,” Westford reported on his blog.  “I knocked several times and almost bowled Obama over on my way in.  I had to go.”

Westford reported that Obama was obviously unhappy on his way out.  “Barack doesn’t like to be disturbed during his toilet time, and I could tell I rushed him, but there’s only one bathroom on that freakin’ plane.”

It’s what Westford found inside, however, that was most remarkable.

“He’d forgotten to flush, and there, right in front of me, was a giant log of hope.  I bent over to inspect it, and it’s what I didn’t find that amazed me.  No scent whatsoever.  His feces actually had the essence of a freshly scrubbed stove top.”

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Obama: “God bless racism!”

Poll results so confusing lazy black people can't understand why white people are so racist.

Poll results so confusing boastful black people can't understand them.

After a recent Associated Press-Yahoo! News Poll suggested that “Obama’s support would be as much as 6 percentage points higher if there were no white racial prejudice” — enough to easily tilt election results in Obama’s favor — the Democratic nominee unleashed an unexpected response.

“God bless racism!” exclaimed Sen. Obama.  “Here I was thinking I was in a close race because people actually believed in the policies of John McCain, which is sad.  I had a lot of hope for the American people, and to see those people willing to back someone as stupid as John McCain, that’s just discouraging.  But knowing those people are racist — that I can accept.”

The underlying current of Barack Obama’s message was that he would rather have people vote against him due to race than vote for his opponent.  “This is not a race against Sen. McCain,” Obama continued.  “This is a race against race.  John McCain is not a formidable opponent.  But racism is.”

“Hopefully I will beat them both,” the Illinois Senator concluded, “but if McCain wins, he should give racism a spot in his cabinet, because that’s the only reason he was able to beat me… by garnering the support of millions of racists.  Fantastic.”

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Gil Scott-Heron

Gil Scott-Heron

Gil Scott-Heron, seminal black recording artist and writer/performer of the groundbreaking, politically-charged classic “The Revolution Will Not Be Televised”, has changed his tune.

“I have to admit,” said Scott-Heron, “Obama is making some amazing strides for black people everywhere, and it appears that not only will the revolution will be televised, it’ll be highly televised.  Shit is everywhere!”

“That brotha’s on ABC, CBS, NBC, PBS, CNN, MSNBC, FoxNews…  You can’t get Obama off the television.  It’s freakin’ ridiculous!”

Heron took the opportunity to try and explain himself.  “I seriously thought by now there’d be some new technology or something, like a hologram machine or whatever, that would cover all this shit.  It was the 1970s and I was shooting a lot of skag, watching Jetsons reruns.  I guess I didn’t know what the hell I was talking about.  Live and learn.”

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Latinos love Obama. And broken English.

Over the past few days, Democratic presidential nominee Barack Obama has been aggressively courting the Spanish-language vote with new ads recorded entirely in Spanish, backing up these spots with stump speeches in Spanish speaking communities.

Addressing a group in downtown Los Angeles, Sen. Obama spoke to the similarities between the African-American and the Mexican-American people.  “I know both groups have faced hardships in the past,” he said.  “I’ve seen it in their faces: Black Americans enduring generation after generation of slavery and oppression; Mexican-Americans having to find a way to cross a loosely patrolled border spanning just under 2,000 miles.  Who can say which people’s struggle has been more difficult?”

As black audience members began to file away, Obama continued: “I know many of you don’t pay taxes, and I applaud that.  America’s tax burden shouldn’t be placed on working families or illegal aliens: It should be squarely placed on the shoulders of this country’s richest, and therefore hardest working, Americans.  And trust me, if any of you paid taxes, I would lower them.”

An Obama advisor then alerted the Senator that if someone doesn’t pay taxes, they most likely also are not eligible to vote and the Democratic nominee slowly backed away from the podium.

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