Archive for the ‘Biden’ Category

"Yes, you can call me Joe. Can I call you cuntbag?"

After watching the V.P. debate last night, it took many hours and a good night’s sleep for me to recover.  Not because of the booze, but because 1) my brain had to strain so hard to figure out what relation the jumble of words coming out of Sarah Palin’s mouth had to do with the questions posed to her, and 2) my jaw muscles hurt from grinding my teeth waiting for Biden to actually debate instead of smiling politely every time Palin took another uneducated jab at him.  Frankly, they both looked like idiots.  And somehow Gwen Ifill managed to beat Jim Lehrer in the “creating awkwardness” column, which I thought was impossible.

Anyway, over 10,000 of you took a look at the drinking game since it was posted, so I thought I would give it a recap.

A preface: This is a comedy site, not a drinking game site, so the rules were more intended to make you laugh than to get you drunk.  That said, there was a solid mix of the candidates nailing certain words I thought they wouldn’t, and passing up some of the easy ones.  (Seriously, no one said Russia?!)

Without further ado, your The Official* Vice Presidential Debate Drinking Game Official Recap:

For Palin:

  • Unfortunately, Palin didn’t mention any of her kids by name.  Literally shocking.  She did however mention her “son”, her “special needs child”, her “kids” and her “kids to college”.  Depending on how you interpreted the rules, that could be as many as 35 drinks — scoring one point for each child it was implied she was talking about — or as few as 3 drinks — scoring one point each for the first three mentions and zero points for the last mention since none of her remaining children are intelligent enough to end up in college.
  • Somehow Palin got through the entire debate without mentioning 9/11.  For this, and only this, I applaud her.
  • Early on, Palin blurted out “hockey mom” with reckless abandon.  The official rule was to “drink until she takes the self-satisfied smirk off her face.”  Technically, from this point, you could have steadily drank for the rest of the debate.

For Biden:

  • If you were looking for an excuse to get hammered, Biden’s chuckling was definitely your in.  He chuckled at Ifill right off the bat, and pretty much only stopped chuckling at both Ifill and Palin when he need an opportunity to let out a deep-seated sigh.
  • Biden certainly name dropped himself as much as expected, a couple times in his famous guy-from-middle-America-talking-to-me manner.  He said his entire name 4 times, and part of his name 3 times.  He also mentioned his website — joebiden.com — which includes his entire name.  13 drinks total in my book.
  • Unfortunately, the size of Delaware in relation to Alaska was never mentioned.

For both:

  • Russia and the former Soviet Union stayed out of the entire debate.  Putin is angry and is plotting his revenge.
  • Hillary and Monica’s names weren’t tossed in (as one would hope) but the Clinton administration was name checked by Biden, so count that as 2 drinks.
  • Dick Cheney got a solid 5 mentions, all by Joe Biden, for 5 angry drinks.  And though the other “Dicks” listed weren’t said, I took a drink for Dick Lugar all the same — another 3 drinks.

And finally:

  • Alas, Biden never did his interpretation of the infamous Lloyd Bentsen line.  However, I did come pretty close to chugging my beer, turning off my TV, and shooting myself in the head when Palin said, “Say it ain’t so, Joe.”  Hopefully no one blames me.

Overall, seems like the second straight time boredom has been a 2008 debate winner.  I’m already thinking of a new drinking game: it’s called “How many hours can I sit in a dank bar drinking cheap canned beer while the polling stations are open instead of voting in this bullshit election.”

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Biden and Bono emerge after a long "meeting."

Delaware Senator and Democratic vice presidential nominee Joe Biden has promised to cut back on his marijuana intake if elected to be Vice President of the United States of America.

“A lot of candidates can make a lot of pledges,” Sen. Biden began, “but who can pledge to cut back their pot smoking more than I can?  If I even smoke half as much pot as I usually do, I would easily have stopped smoking more marijuana than all the other candidates in this race combined!”  An awkward pause ensued as Biden spent a moment too long staring off into space.

“Wait.  Did I get that math right?” Biden questioned.  “Are you guys following me?  I hate when people say, ‘Joe, you’re not making any sense,’ and I have to think, man, what am I talking about.  But you get it, right?”

More as this develops or when Biden figures out what he actually means to say.

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"He's right here, Joe. Let me give him the phone."

In what can only be considered one of his greatest gaffes to date, Slander ’08 has received report of a recent text message sent by Democratic vice presidential nominee Joe Biden.

In the intercepted text message, Biden reportedly wrote: “i ❤ Ahmadinejad.  do u think hed want 2 talk 2 us?”

A number of special intelligence groups who deal with cracking international code have determined that a less than sign followed by the number “3” is not a numerical reference, but is actually an encoded message referencing a heart and implying a level of affection for the Iranian leader.

Republicans noted that the message is obviously another indication that the Obama/Biden White House would be willing to have talks with rogue states without preconditions.

“Texting someone is the first step towards having a verbal conversation,” pointed out Heidi Philips, a campus rep for the McCain/Palin campaign at Cal State-Fullerton.  “I know when I’m nervous to talk to a guy, I’ll just text him first.  It’s less pressure.  If all goes well, I’ll sleep with him.”  Ms. Philips then took a moment to reflect before she determined, “This could lead to us fucking Iran.”

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Prepare yourself for this Thursday’s vice presidential debate by printing out the rules below for this year’s Vice Presidential Debate Drinking Game!  Without further delay, we bring you the rules.

For Sarah Palin:

  1. Every time Palin mentions one of her kids by name, take the number of drinks corresponding to that child’s number in her brood (e.g. 1 drink for Track, 2 drinks for Bristol, 3 drinks for Willow, 4 drinks for Piper and 5 drinks for Trig).  If she does not give a name, take 1 drink.
  2. When Palin mentions 9/11 in a textually-relevant manner (e.g. “We need to prevent another attack like the one on 9/11”), take 1 drink.  When Palin mentions 9/11 in a gratuitous, textually-irrelevant manner (e.g. “When my son Track was sent over to Iraq on 9/11…”), take 2 drinks.
  3. If Palin uses the phrase, “hockey mom”, drink until she takes the self-satisfied smirk off her face.

For Joe Biden:

  1. Every time Biden chuckles condescendingly at Sarah Palin, take 1 drink.  Every time Biden chuckles condescendingly at moderator Gwen Ifill, take 2 drinks.
  2. Every time Biden refers to himself in the third person, take 1 drink.  If he uses his full name (e.g. “When people ask me, ‘Joe Biden, how did you become so good looking?'”), take 2 drinks.
  3. If Biden points out that despite being less than 1/100th the size, Delaware has more people than Alaska, drink until you see the bottom of your glass.

If either candidate says:

  1. Russia, take 1 drink.  U.S.S.R., take 2 drinks.  Swimming the Bering Straight, take 3 drinks.
  2. Hillary Clinton, take 1 drink.  Bill Clinton, take 2 drinks.  Monica Lewinsky, take 3 drinks.
  3. Dick Cheney, take 1 drink.  Tricky Dick, take 2 drinks.  Sucking dick, take 3 drinks.

Finally, if at any point Biden uses the phrase “I know Geraldine Ferraro; Geraldine Ferraro is a friend of mine.  Governor, you’re no Geraldine Ferraro,” chug your beer, turn off your TV, and shoot yourself in the head.

Note: Slander ’08 only condones drinking irresponsibly during election years when you need it most.

* UPDATE: It has come to our attention that there has been more than one VP drinking game spreading about on the internet.  We’d like to let you know that ours is the “Official” Vice Presidential Drinking Game as it is the only one approved by perennial congressional alcoholic Ted Kennedy and his brain tumor.

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Biden in it for the street cred

"People are actually going to want to read this book now!"

"People are actually going to want to read this book now!"

Like a major label rapper droppin’ a hot verse on an underground mixtape, Delaware Senator Joe Biden admits he joined the Obama campaign more out of vanity than anything else.

“Where was Joe Biden in the history books two months ago?  Senator from Delaware?  Two time presidential loser?  I’ll tell you where.  Nowhere,” he said, injecting some hard-hitting reality before turning boastful.  “Now, even if I lose, I’m going to be remembered for all time.  Mondale got killed in the election, but people still talk about that crazy old white guy just because he picked Geraldine Ferraro.  No one’s going to forget the running mate of the first black presidential candidate.”

Biden then made some bold predictions about the future.  “The way I see it, the way things are trending, black Americans and other minorities will be running this country in 50 years or so anyway.  I might as well up my image and get these future leaders on my side.  I’ll be like Thomas Jefferson the Second to all those people.”  Realizing a possible stumble, he continued, “Can I say ‘those people‘ or is that another gaffe?”

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Gaffe prone Biden does it again!

"I nominate YOUR BALLS to be hit with my fist!"

Democratic V.P. nominee Joe Biden has done it again, making another verbal gaffe, this time to a reporter.

When the reporter questioned Biden about his recent comments that Hillary Clinton might have been a better choice for Vice President than he was, Biden replied, “You know who else would have been a good choice for Vice President?  Fuck you!  That’s who!”

Representatives for the Obama campaign supported their running mate’s comments by asserting that “Fuck You was on the shortlist of viable vice presidential candidates who underwent the vetting process.  Eventually, we decided to choose Sen. Biden over Fuck You due to the lack of diplomatic results Fuck You has achieved on the international stage.”

President Bush denied the Obama campaign’s claims saying that he believes he has received “phenomenal” results from utalizing Fuck You for international diplomacy.

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"Must... get it... all... out."

"Must... get it... all... out."

In an engaging and politically charged campaign speech earlier today, Republican Presidential nominee John McCain announced that he would spend much of the rest of the day on the toilet after taking a series of laxatives to flush all stool from his system.

“There are some candidates in this race, from other parties, who might not take tomorrow’s date — September 11th — seriously,” McCain began.  “But I promise you, no matter what, John McCain will not shit on 9/11.”

McCain’s running-mate Sarah Palin backed his assertion.  “I won’t be able to spend anytime in lavatories tomorrow, on September 11th, because last September 11th, my son Track Palin enlisted in the U.S. Army to fight for this country, and this September 11th, I will be kissing him goodbye as he goes to defend this great nation in Iraq.  And I am going to kiss him and hug him for a long, long time, because by next September 11th, he will probably be dead,” Palin announced followed by an awkward spattering of applause from the audience.

Though Democratic Presidential candidate Barack Obama refused to comment, V.P. candidate Joe Biden remained outspoken.  “If we can’t use our toilets tomorrow, well, that means the terrorists have won,” Biden rebutted.  “I’m going to take one, maybe two or three dumps tomorrow.  And I tell you what, they’re gonna be huge!  ‘Cause that is my right as an American.  That is how I express my freedom.  At the bottom of a toilet!”

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