How many people suffering from mental retardation do you see in this picture?

U.S. citizens with mental handicaps might not be able to do some activities that the rest of us take for granted.  Voting isn’t one of them.

“As I’ve continued to exploit my innocent newborn child and his genetic disorder in a vain attempt to sway the political conversation away from important issues such as the economy, Trig has been a blessing,” G.O.P. vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin stated in one of her recent, growingly ignorant stump speeches.  “And for those of you who relate to my son and his illness, and for those of you dumb enough to be swayed by this emotional pandering, I appreciate the support of you retards.”

But Gov. Palin has gotten results.  A recent USA Today / AMA poll shows that nearly 76% of all voters suffering from mental retardation are planning on voting for Republican candidate John McCain for president.  The poll, however, has a margin of error of +/- 95% as there has been little proven overlap between those mentally handicap citizens who answer polling phone calls and those who actually end up figuring out how to vote on Election Day.

"People are actually going to want to read this book now!"

"People are actually going to want to read this book now!"

Like a major label rapper droppin’ a hot verse on an underground mixtape, Delaware Senator Joe Biden admits he joined the Obama campaign more out of vanity than anything else.

“Where was Joe Biden in the history books two months ago?  Senator from Delaware?  Two time presidential loser?  I’ll tell you where.  Nowhere,” he said, injecting some hard-hitting reality before turning boastful.  “Now, even if I lose, I’m going to be remembered for all time.  Mondale got killed in the election, but people still talk about that crazy old white guy just because he picked Geraldine Ferraro.  No one’s going to forget the running mate of the first black presidential candidate.”

Biden then made some bold predictions about the future.  “The way I see it, the way things are trending, black Americans and other minorities will be running this country in 50 years or so anyway.  I might as well up my image and get these future leaders on my side.  I’ll be like Thomas Jefferson the Second to all those people.”  Realizing a possible stumble, he continued, “Can I say ‘those people‘ or is that another gaffe?”

Poll results so confusing lazy black people can't understand why white people are so racist.

Poll results so confusing boastful black people can't understand them.

After a recent Associated Press-Yahoo! News Poll suggested that “Obama’s support would be as much as 6 percentage points higher if there were no white racial prejudice” — enough to easily tilt election results in Obama’s favor — the Democratic nominee unleashed an unexpected response.

“God bless racism!” exclaimed Sen. Obama.  “Here I was thinking I was in a close race because people actually believed in the policies of John McCain, which is sad.  I had a lot of hope for the American people, and to see those people willing to back someone as stupid as John McCain, that’s just discouraging.  But knowing those people are racist — that I can accept.”

The underlying current of Barack Obama’s message was that he would rather have people vote against him due to race than vote for his opponent.  “This is not a race against Sen. McCain,” Obama continued.  “This is a race against race.  John McCain is not a formidable opponent.  But racism is.”

“Hopefully I will beat them both,” the Illinois Senator concluded, “but if McCain wins, he should give racism a spot in his cabinet, because that’s the only reason he was able to beat me… by garnering the support of millions of racists.  Fantastic.”

Gil Scott-Heron

Gil Scott-Heron

Gil Scott-Heron, seminal black recording artist and writer/performer of the groundbreaking, politically-charged classic “The Revolution Will Not Be Televised”, has changed his tune.

“I have to admit,” said Scott-Heron, “Obama is making some amazing strides for black people everywhere, and it appears that not only will the revolution will be televised, it’ll be highly televised.  Shit is everywhere!”

“That brotha’s on ABC, CBS, NBC, PBS, CNN, MSNBC, FoxNews…  You can’t get Obama off the television.  It’s freakin’ ridiculous!”

Heron took the opportunity to try and explain himself.  “I seriously thought by now there’d be some new technology or something, like a hologram machine or whatever, that would cover all this shit.  It was the 1970s and I was shooting a lot of skag, watching Jetsons reruns.  I guess I didn’t know what the hell I was talking about.  Live and learn.”

McCain looking very in touch.

McCain looking very in touch.

Republican presidential nominee John McCain believes he has found the source of America’s economic troubles.

Speaking to a crowd of hundreds outside a Kroger in Cleves, Ohio, Sen. McCain took issue with what he had just seen inside the grocery store. “I know hardworking Americans all across this great nation have been reeling from economic hardship, and now I can see why,” he said shaking his head in disbelief.  “I just saw someone pay $1.89 for a bottle of Coke.  In my day, I could get a Coke for a nickel!”

“And no wonder there’s a credit crisis,” McCain continued.  “Everyone in there was paying with plastic!  When you put things on credit cards, you’re going to be paying a lot of interest.  Plus you have to mail in your payment: That’ll cost you another 4 cents.  If you don’t have cash on hand, the least you could do is write a check.  Then the money will come right out of your bank account.  I carry my checkbook with me wherever I go.  It just makes sense, people.”

Despite his somewhat pedantic speech, the Senator showed he could relate to the people.  “I know it’s tough,” he admitted.  “When I got my first Master Charge Interbank card, I was hooked, but sometimes, you just gotta slow down.  Grab a couple bucks, and take the family to a picture show.”

Sarah Palin movin' some fishscale.

In a stunning series of comments today, Republican V.P. nominee Sarah Palin claimed that she’s a blacker candidate than Barack Obama.

“I support five kids on a government job.  My teenage daughter is pregnant.  My dad was a track coach and I won the state championship for my high school basketball team and haven’t shut up about it since,” the Governor said as she ran down her street credentials.

“My husband’s got more arrests than college degrees!” Palin exclaimed.  “Obama’s married to a muthafuckin’ lawyer!  Who sounds blacker to you?!  You can go tell Uncle Tom Obama to stop frontin’ because Sarah muthafuckin’ Palin is here!”

Spread ‘Em: Add to FacebookAdd to DiggAdd to Del.icio.usAdd to StumbleuponAdd to RedditAdd to BlinklistAdd to Ma.gnoliaAdd to TechnoratiAdd to FurlAdd to Newsvine

Latinos love Obama. And broken English.

Over the past few days, Democratic presidential nominee Barack Obama has been aggressively courting the Spanish-language vote with new ads recorded entirely in Spanish, backing up these spots with stump speeches in Spanish speaking communities.

Addressing a group in downtown Los Angeles, Sen. Obama spoke to the similarities between the African-American and the Mexican-American people.  “I know both groups have faced hardships in the past,” he said.  “I’ve seen it in their faces: Black Americans enduring generation after generation of slavery and oppression; Mexican-Americans having to find a way to cross a loosely patrolled border spanning just under 2,000 miles.  Who can say which people’s struggle has been more difficult?”

As black audience members began to file away, Obama continued: “I know many of you don’t pay taxes, and I applaud that.  America’s tax burden shouldn’t be placed on working families or illegal aliens: It should be squarely placed on the shoulders of this country’s richest, and therefore hardest working, Americans.  And trust me, if any of you paid taxes, I would lower them.”

An Obama advisor then alerted the Senator that if someone doesn’t pay taxes, they most likely also are not eligible to vote and the Democratic nominee slowly backed away from the podium.