Undecided voters looking for candidate to chew meat, tie shoes

As the weekend comes to a close, a number of undecided voters have had a chance to reflect on Friday’s first presidential debate. “I don’t think either candidate took a clear lead,” remarked Sally Bedfield, an undecided voter from Columbus in the battleground state of Ohio.  “I breed and sell dogs and am very concerned [...]

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Obama courting white supremacist vote

In an unexpected twist to the campaign, Democratic presidential nominee Barack Obama actually appears to be winning over white supremacists and other racists. Sen. Obama addressed Florida residents the other day just outside the Paradise Junction Mobile Home Park and Bait Store.  Despite many audience members donning pointed hoods and waving Nazi flags, the Illinois [...]

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Blow by blow debate coverage of the first presidential debate

10:37pm: And the winner is… BOREDOM! 10:31pm: Seriously, if McCain was coach of the Cleveland Browns, he wouldn’t switch to Brady Quinn even if they started the season 0 – 11. 10:30pm: Can we impeach Obama after we find out he is a secret Al Qaeda operative, or is it, like, once we vote him [...]

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Embedded Obama reporter: Barack feces “odorless”

BREAKING NEWS: Philip Westford, reporter for the Wall Street Journal who recent joined a group of embedded reporters following Democratic presidential nominee Barack Obama on the campaign trail, has provided us with a stunning revelation. “I usually wouldn’t stalk the stall when the possible future leader of the free world is in there, but it [...]

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Obama: “God bless racism!”

After a recent Associated Press-Yahoo! News Poll suggested that “Obama’s support would be as much as 6 percentage points higher if there were no white racial prejudice” — enough to easily tilt election results in Obama’s favor — the Democratic nominee unleashed an unexpected response. “God bless racism!” exclaimed Sen. Obama.  “Here I was thinking [...]

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Gil Scott-Heron backs Obama, admits “The Revolution WILL Be Televised”

Gil Scott-Heron, seminal black recording artist and writer/performer of the groundbreaking, politically-charged classic “The Revolution Will Not Be Televised”, has changed his tune. “I have to admit,” said Scott-Heron, “Obama is making some amazing strides for black people everywhere, and it appears that not only will the revolution will be televised, it’ll be highly televised.  [...]

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Obama courts Spanish speaking vote: “If any of you paid taxes, I would lower them”

Over the past few days, Democratic presidential nominee Barack Obama has been aggressively courting the Spanish-language vote with new ads recorded entirely in Spanish, backing up these spots with stump speeches in Spanish speaking communities. Addressing a group in downtown Los Angeles, Sen. Obama spoke to the similarities between the African-American and the Mexican-American people.  [...]

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Obama breaks funds record: Gonna “make it rain up in this mutha!”

Democratic presidential nominee Barack Obama broke the record for funds raised by a candidate in a single month by raising $66 million dollars in August, toppling his own record set back in February of this year. When asked what he plans to do with the money, Sen. Obama replied, “I’ma make it rain up in [...]

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Obama losing ground with white woman, holding steady among voters with “white guilt”

Since the Palin nomination, the Democratic Party has shown increasing concern as their Presidential nominee Barack Obama continues to lose ground among the crucial white woman vote.  However, there is reason to celebrate as Sen. Obama continues to hold strong among voters with “white guilt,” courting 100% of that demographic. “When we entered this race, [...]

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Bin Laden’s newest terrorist attack: Hurricane Ike

While Americans mourn the anniversary of the horrific attacks of September 11th, Al Qaeda leader Osama Bin Laden had other plans to mark the date. Unable to mobilize his international terrorist operations from the most remote caves in all of Pakistan, Bin Laden has been forced to resort to more radical tactics.  According to those [...]

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